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“I had a baby the week of lockdown. March 2020. The month which was supposed to be the start of the best part of my life, this new chapter, our new family.

But it was actually the start of the hardest time of my life. Struggling to heal from a C section, a new baby to a first time mum, no help, other than my wonderful husband but no family to meet our new arrival (one that we feared loosing so much due my own health compilations prior to pregnancy)

My father, had been shielding due to COPD since February, we hadn’t seen him since then. Then, lockdown. We spoke daily, about baby and general lockdown life. Then on the 6th of April 2020 my world collapsed around me as my wonderful father left us. Not of COVID thankfully, but so suddenly. No chance to meet our baby, no chance for goodbyes, no hugs and kisses. Having to take my 5 week old son to a funeral because of such tight restrictions was heartbreaking he was so innocent and small that I felt a part of that Innocence left him that day.

Grieving takes a village. Raising a baby takes a village. We had no villages.

But support from friends and family was always there from a distance, constant love and guidance kept me afloat, Just about, I was never alone but yet, always felt so very alone. With a diagnosis of PND, and with the acceptance from a professional that it was valid to feel the way I did, it helped me began to accept this new version of me.

My son, however is my saviour. He has kept he going this year. I’m not sure how such a tiny person, who has barely life his hand print on this world, can possibly save another person, but my son did. He saved his mummy long before he ever should have. I don’t think my beautiful boy will ever understand what he has done for me this year.

2020 is the worst and best year of my life, and I knew it would change me forever, but I didn’t know just how much it would change me. I don’t know if 2020 has changed me for the better just yet, I guess that’s a question for 2021!“ – @mrs_k_rowberry

 

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